Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
