I hope my margaritas pass through security.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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