No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
