we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
