after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
