R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
