i barfeds in our rink
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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