Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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