my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
