Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
