we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
