i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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