She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
