pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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