Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
