I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
