so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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