come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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