I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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