you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
