i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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