this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
