How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize