dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
