The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
