dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
