hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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