turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
