Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
