Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
