He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Even the bartender felt bad for me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
