I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
