You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
don't judge my taste in strippers
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
