all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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