I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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