Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
