Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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