I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
