Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
