never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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