I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
