I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize