She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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