my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
