Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize