Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
