he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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