this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
