i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
