getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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