If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
