sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
