she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
