the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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