I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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