New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
