I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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