the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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