neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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