When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
