I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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