The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
