Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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